


Demons Within

by AbsintheMadness



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Feels, Axel being a Drama Queen, Blood and Violence, Brief LeaIsa, Emotions Are Hard For Roxas, Implied Soriku, Inner Demons, M/M, Original Character(s), Post-Canon, Psych Ward Stay, Swearing, Therapy, perceived one-sided attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26743561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsintheMadness/pseuds/AbsintheMadness
Summary: What do you do when your inner demons take form? For Roxas, the answer is never easy. If he hides them, they could destroy him, but if he shares how he feels, he could hurt those he cares about.What do you do when you’re in too deep and are afraid to ask for help?
Relationships: Axel/Roxas (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 27





	1. Drowning in Slow Motion

If anyone talked about Roxas, they’d say he’d adjusted well, that he was living his new life to the fullest. But to Roxas, the water was lapping at his neck, washing over his face, shoving its way down his throat, burning into his lungs. Only it wasn’t water. It was his own emotions.

It was overwhelming being reborn into a strange world where negative emotions, the dark feelings in your heart, manifested as creatures. A person’s inner demons come to life. One didn’t even need to give their heart over to the darkness first. 

They started tiny, a faint wisp, and for most people, they stayed harmless. A brief annoyance. However, the more a person tried to hold them in, to hide their feelings, the darker they became. They started doing damage. They grew from being wisps into creatures. 

People called him Roxas, but he could hear the whispers. The mentions of names like Ven, and more often, Sora. Sometimes they flat out said it to his face. 

_Has anyone ever mentioned you look so much like Sora?_

_Are you going to be helping work on the art project with Sora?_

_You’re so helpful, just like Sora._

It was usually always ‘like Sora’ this and ‘with Sora’ that. He just wanted to shout, scream until he was red in the face, until his throat was raw, until they realized that he wasn’t Ven's twin. He wasn’t a part of Sora. He wasn’t a clone. 

Until they realized that he was Roxas.

A grey wisp fluttered up from his chest, hovering around his face. He swatted at it, watching as it snaked through his fingers, briefly broken apart, before reforming. It stung angrily, lashing out with a solid tendril. His hand went through it, violently this time, scattering it into the air. Comments kept running through his head and another wisp drifted up. 

The comments were what had driven him to hide in his apartment. If he never left, no one could compare him to someone else. He laid on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket like a burrito, barely moving save for the arm that poked out to swat at the wisps, only half watching the movie. His phone laid forgotten on the table, unread messages in the high fifties. The only messages he opened anymore were the ones from Axel. 

The next wisp snuck close, almost caressing his cheek before it stung. 

Axel—never Lea—was possibly the only one who had let nothing slip. He was the one that Roxas knew best from his previous life. But Axel was just so happy, and Roxas was so… not. 

In the beginning, it had been simple. He’d happily turned down the offer of a therapist or counselor. He had his emotions well under control, thank you very much. Almost effortlessly, those that had been a part of the battle had tugged him into the group. They went out from time to time, discussing their feelings, talking over the reasons for their wisps, and keeping them under control. Roxas had been happy, talking with his friends some days. Other times, he’d sit with Axel and they’d talk about their newfound feelings and emotions. Their new lives.

Emotions were plain at first. Easy.

Roxas was happy because he had ice cream with Axel. 

Roxas was sad because the restaurant didn’t have his favorite food. 

Roxas was hurt and angry because yet another person had compared him to Sora. 

But things only got more complicated from there. He would get angry and upset when Axel went to hang out with Isa. He found his heart racing when Axel would pull him into a hug. His palms would get sweaty when Axel would lay his head in Roxas’s lap when they hung out and watched movies. His hands would shake when he’d run his hands through Axel’s hair. 

It was always involving Axel. And he didn’t know why.

But by then, he was too shy, too embarrassed to ask about things at that point. He was afraid people would look at him like he was stupid, that they would tell him he should already know these things. After all, emotions were simple. 

Right? 

His hand shot out to crush another wisp. 

The sound of the doorbell startled him, the soft ding-dong echoing, bouncing around in his head until it was loud enough to drown out his thoughts. He moved automatically, pulling open the door and staring up at the lion himself. 

Axel blustered by him, already talking, throwing his hands around in loud gestures. When Roxas turned back, pushing the door closed, it felt like Axel’s very presence swallowed up the room, taking up every ounce of space until it was just the two of them. It was simultaneously comforting and unnerving. Another wisp fluttered out before he could stop it. 

Axel swept across the room in long strides, stopping far too close, long fingers easily dispelling the creature. 

As Roxas looked up at him, his heart thundered. The room shrunk to where the walls felt like they were closing in around him. 

“What’s up?” Axel studied him, concern written across his face. 

Roxas’s gut twisted at the worry he was causing Axel, and he caught the subsequent wisps, shoving them deep. “Nothing,” he muttered.

The look that Axel gave him made him wither. He turned away, biting down on his lip and taking a few steps back. He was desperate for space between them. It was as if a giant fist had wrapped around his chest and tried to squeeze him to death. From the corner of his eye, he watched as Axel swiped through the tiniest wisp of his own. 

“Seriously, Rox. Something’s up. That wisp wasn’t small.” 

“It’s nothing to worry about,” he waved a hand, unable to meet Axel’s eyes. He didn’t want to share that his feelings for Axel were what was causing the wisps. Axel was the one person he still regularly talked with. Roxas didn’t want to scare him away. “Someone just called me Sora again.” He’d thought it would be the safe thing to say. That it would be true enough to stop Axel’s concern. But somehow, he'd forgotten just how much Axel let his emotions lead him. 

“Oh, Roxas.” Axel’s arms wrapped around him. Warm breath tickled through his hair, making his scalp tingle. He could only hope that Axel wouldn’t notice how fast his heart was beating. “I’m sorry, I wish there was something I could do.” 

“I’ve told you, I don’t need you going around beating up people with your keyblade. You wouldn’t get anything done.” He was safe telling jokes, making Axel’s rich laugh fill the room. But this time, instead of letting Roxas go, he held on tighter. 

Roxas swore for a second that Axel’s lips pressed against his scalp, and the sheer happiness he felt in that second tore through every demon shoved deep down. Axel pushed away, though. The space between them, inches, in reality, stretched out into miles when Axel reached up and ruffled his hair before mumbling, “I appreciate your concern, kid,” and moving for the couch. 

He swatted away the tiny wisp behind Axel’s back. Of course, he was just overthinking things again. He was a kid to Axel. A fresh-faced eighteen to Axel’s twenty. That was all. He wouldn’t be the one to cause Axel’s stomach to do flips, to make his heart race. No, that was something only Roxas was going to feel. His hand moved through the next wisp without thought. It stung his wrist, and he yelped. 

Axel whirled, the concern back on his face in an instant. “What’s wrong?”

“Just… stubbed my toe.” Demons shoved down, he had to fight the urge to press his hand to the spot over his heart. Instead, he forced a smile. 

Axel studied him for another long moment, eyes flickering to a point just over his shoulder before he smiled back. “Ok then, come watch the movie,” he patted the spot next to him. 

Roxas sucked in a deep breath before joining him, trying not to freak out when Axel’s arm dropped across the back of the couch, right behind his shoulders. He tried to keep his face even, his breathing calm when later, Axel’s head laid across his lap and brilliant green eyes stared up at him with a smile as he ran his fingers through Axel’s hair. 

And he tried not to overthink it when Axel’s hug almost lingered at the end of the night. 

* * *

Roxas hated himself.

He hated Axel. 

No, he couldn’t kid himself. That second thought was a lie. After that night, Axel seemed to want to get Roxas out of his apartment. He found that he couldn’t say no to Axel and kept agreeing to more of Axel’s silly plans. He dragged Roxas out with friends, trying to get him to socialize, to share. 

Axel loved to drag him up to the clock tower and they would sit there, watching the sunset side by side, talking about simple emotions until the light had faded away, leaving them in darkness. 

As the stars twinkled to life, the air between them came alive, crackling with static energy. Roxas would scoot closer and closer until Axel’s arm settled around his shoulders. 

Sitting there, tucked back on the tower with the weight of Axel’s arm around him, demons were a distant memory and Roxas could be happy. It was easy at first. 

But as time continued to pass by, he often caught himself staring up at Axel’s lips in the faint moonlight, wondering what Axel would do if he just stretched up…

“Penny for your thoughts, kid.” 

Kid. That one word was always enough to send Roxas crashing back to reality. It was slipping through thin ice. The plunge chilled him, making his body break out in a cold sweat. His chest would writhe with the demons that instantly sprang up, making it hard to get a full breath as he pushed away, making some silly excuse or sharing some random thought. 

He tried to pull away, to go back to hiding in his apartment, suffering in silence. But Axel didn’t seem to want to let go. He stuck around Roxas like a lost puppy, and he couldn’t figure out why. He was still too afraid to ask. He didn’t want Axel of all people to think he was stupid. He hated himself. And the spiral continued. 

He realized how out of things might have gotten when Axel was over one evening for dinner. 

They stood in his tiny kitchen. Axel chatted his mile a minute while Roxas focused on whatever he had in the skillet. But Axel fell silent when he’d reached over to grab something from the spice rack.

“Rox, what’s this?” Axel’s hand shot out, catching him by the elbow. Gentle fingers traced up the gash on Roxas’s arm that must have poked out from under his shirt sleeve. A wave of ice washed over him at the look of concern, the look of _care_ on Axel’s face. 

“It’s nothing,” he muttered, swatting the spatula at Axel before yanking his arm away and turning back to the skillet. “I was just clumsy.”

It wasn’t a lie. He had been clumsy. He’d stumbled over his feet in the park as he fought with his demons late into the previous night and earned four long scratches, three up his back, wrapping over his shoulder, and the fourth up his arm. He didn’t want to worry his friends and admit that his demons weren’t merely wisps anymore, that he was now fighting small shadowy creatures with claws that tore through flesh like a knife through butter. 

He bit his tongue, holding back the shout of pain when Axel’s hand clapped down on his shoulder, right on his injury. 

“I swear, you’re the clumsiest keyblade wielder out there.” 

Jokes. Roxas could do those.

“You’re one to talk, long legs.”

It only kept getting more difficult to keep up the act. 

He began to regret hanging out with Xion next, and she was the closest thing to a second best friend he had.

“Roxas, what happened to you?” A hand touched the welt on the side of his neck. Xion looked like she was about to faint. 

“Something stung me down at the beach.” 

He nearly screamed when she wrapped an arm around his waist, fingers pressing into the bruise that covered nearly half his side. 

He’d found out the hard way that for shadow creatures, when they flung themselves at Roxas, they packed a heavy punch. 

“You’re sure that’s all?” 

“Yeah,” Roxas forced a smile. “Promise.” 

Her eyes went wide as she stared somewhere just over his shoulder. 

“Come on, Xion. You know how those jellies are.” 

“Yeah,” her laugh rang hollow. “Yeah, I do.” 

Then, it got to a point where he loathed being around Sora, but Axel and Xion seemed to enjoy hanging around, so he stayed for their sakes. 

He tried to ignore how Sora was staring just over his shoulder as they talked. Roxas felt a rush of cold and leaned back against the wall, suddenly out of breath. He couldn’t hear for a moment over the rushing of blood in his ears. 

“Roxas? Are you ok?” Sora reached out a hand, only for Roxas to smack it away.

“I’m fine,” he breathed. He hated how winded he sounded. He forced a smile, looking at the concerned faces surrounding him. “I just got a little light-headed. Guess I should have had more for lunch.” 

“You need to take better care of yourself, Roxas.” Xion’s voice was soft as she reached out a hand to touch his arm. 

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to.” 

They all knew it was a lie by that point. None of them wanted to mention the shadow they could see over Roxas’s shoulder, not when it had just become substantial, reaching out to stroke at his cheek with an inky tendril right before he’d gone chalk white. 

  
  


Roxas knew they worried. He knew his presence caused his friends’ pain, but it was almost like he was in too deep to go back to hiding. His feelings kept building, spiraling down and down in a self-perpetuating cycle of self-loathing. Of not being able to claw his way out of the hole he’d fallen into on his own. 

It became almost worse when Axel was around. 

Sometimes, Roxas almost felt like there was _something_ there. That he could just stretch up and kiss Axel on the tower. That Axel would respond by kissing him back instead of pushing him away and calling him a kid. But Roxas didn’t. He didn't want to ruin things. He continued to be a coward. 

Until it finally boiled over one night. 

They were up on the tower as always, Roxas caught up in staring at Axel. But Axel then looked down, hand coming up to touch Roxas's cheek for a brief second. His name was a whisper on Axel’s lips and Roxas leaned in. Green met blue, and for one moment, Axel’s gaze had flickered to his lips. And then Axel was leaning in. Roxas’s heart soared. 

Only to be crushed flat when Axel pushed away, rising to his feet. 

“It’s getting late,” he muttered as he stared out over the town. 

Roxas couldn’t move. It wasn’t an ice bucket this time. It was one of Axel’s fires, coursing through him, burning him with shame. How could he have been so stupid? It felt like someone reached in and ripped his heart out, tossing it off the top of the tower. 

Demons immediately swooped in, taking up the space left, writhing and filling him with a fury. Not at Axel—he could never be angry with Axel—but at himself, for letting himself forget that he was just a child to Axel. For letting himself have that hope. 

He’d almost flung Axel’s arm away when it came around his shoulders, almost shoved him back and told him to go away. But he didn’t have it in him. 

Axel walked him back to his apartment, and they stood there chatting for a few minutes. Hope muted the demons long enough for him to get brave. 

“Do you… want to come in?” 

Axel’s eyes grew wide, and just when Roxas was thinking he was going to say yes, he took a step back, hand going through his hair in a nervous gesture that Roxas had seen a million times. 

“I’d love to… but…” 

The hesitation was enough for Roxas. He turned, hand going to the knob. “Well, good night then, Axel.” 

“Wait,” Axel called after him, shouted almost as he lunged, grabbing and catching him by the wrist halfway through the door.

“What do you want, Axel?” Roxas’s voice came out harsh. He wasn’t sure if he meant the hand grabbing, or whatever their relationship was or wasn’t at that point. 

“I just…” Axel pulled him in with surprising force, yanking him against a solid chest. Arms wrapped tight around him, warm and safe feeling. “Good night, Roxas.” Axel’s breath was warm in his hair, and it felt like his entire body flushed when he wrapped arms around Axel in return. Unmistakable lips pressed into his hair before Axel walked away, never looking back. 

Good night? 

Why did it feel like goodbye?


	2. And Run

Maybe Axel knew more than he was letting on. 

The demon staring down at him that night was massive. It towered over six feet tall, hulking, and round. And there was at least five more spread around the clearing. 

He adjusted his grip on his keyblades and took off at a run, leaping at the thing, only to have it lazily swipe a hand at him, slashing through skin and sending him flying. 

Staggering to his feet, he wiped at the blood oozing from the claw marks left on his arm. He brought his keyblades back up, but before he could dash in again, claws pierced deep into his side. A half shriek escaped and he staggered, nearly losing grip on his weapons. 

For their size, they were surprisingly mobile, knocking him around and bouncing him off their large bodies. He sent two back into nothingness before they hit him again. His arm hit the trunk of a tree with a nasty crunch, falling limp to his side. The keyblade fell from his fingers and vanished. He lunged again, swinging his remaining keyblade wildly. One demon lunged back, and he received sharp claws down his neck. He ignored the pain, and continued through the movement, and sent another into smoke. 

That left… three? 

They seemed to mock him as they danced around the clearing, darting forward to stab a claw or two into his skin, tearing away as they whirled back, too quickly for him to bring his keyblade up. He watched them, half distracted for a moment by his blood dripping to the ground. But by the next time one came at him, he was ready. He brought his keyblade up with force, slashing through the demon. 

It sent him off balance, and he stumbled back on shaking legs, starting to feel light-headed. His vision swam for a moment. He shook his head violently and with every ounce of strength and adrenaline he could muster, he took off at the remaining two. Dispatching them earned him several more slashes. 

He stood there afterward, gripping his keyblade so tightly his knuckles were white under their coat of blood. All he could hear was the sound of his heart, the rush of blood in his ears. He took a deep breath.

The night came back to him all at once as he sank to his knees. Cicadas screamed through the trees and somewhere off in the distance an owl hooted. The grass felt damp on his face as he collapsed, though if it were blood or dew, he couldn’t tell. 

He had to get home. 

He had to get home, get cleaned up, and leave. There was no way he could explain the injuries to his friends. They’d worry. Hell, they’d probably send him to the psych ward. And they’d worry while he was there. The last thing he wanted to do was worry his friends. Not with his stupid emotions that he couldn’t seem to keep under control. Not with his stupid infatuation with Axel. Not with his existence. 

The thoughts had him staggering to his feet, clutching his dead arm to his side. He knew he should go to the hospital, but instead, he walked home, stopping in alleyways several times to catch his breath, to bite down hard on his tongue to keep the screams of pain from escaping, until blood filled his mouth. 

It was a blessing that he didn’t encounter anyone, but according to a clock he passed, it was just after three in the morning. 

He left a trail of blood, just the faintest drips, up to his apartment. 

Just undressing had him in near tears. The adrenaline was long gone and every ache and pain made itself well known. Collapsing in the shower, he started crying. He sat on the floor, watching the blood swirl away down the drain. He cried until both he and the water heater were empty. 

From there he sat, half on the bathroom counter, as he cleaned and wrapped his injuries the best he could with one arm. His phone on the counter buzzed, the screen lighting up. 

_Axel: One new message_

It wasn’t entirely out of the ordinary for Axel to message him at all times of the day, so he reached over and swiped down on the notification. 

_Are you ok?_

His chest throbbed, wisps swooping back in, one escaping before he could push them down and stinging at his neck before he could swat it away. 

He had to leave. 

Maybe, just maybe, if he got as far as he could, his feelings for Axel would fade. He could get out from under the shadow of others and… and what? Live?

He left the notification there, knowing it would show up as unread. And surely Axel would just think he was asleep. 

He went to his room next and started throwing things into a suitcase. He threw in clothes in at random, adding his stash of munny and a few personal things. He avoided everything with ties to people he knew. Maybe he could start over in a place where no one knew him. His phone buzzed twice on the bed. 

_Axel: Three new messages_

He swiped them open as he pulled on his shoes. 

_Are you ok?_

_I just wanted to apologize for my earlier reaction. I’m sorry._

_I wanted to make sure you were ok. That we were ok._

He laughed a small half-strangled sound that choked off into a sob. ‘We.’ That was a riot. There had never and would never be a ‘we’ to be ok. 

He paused in the front doorway, looking back over his shoulder one last time. His phone buzzed yet again.

_I know you’re awake. I’ve got the read receipt. I’ll ask again. Are you ok?_

Before he could overthink things, he responded. 

_No._

His phone started buzzing barely a minute later, Axel’s name lighting up on the screen. He swiped over decline, immediately turning his phone off. 

He left it sitting on the center of the coffee table, one of the first places Axel would see when he inevitably showed up. He had a spare key, after all. 

Knowing that Axel was likely on his way to the apartment, sprinting on those long legs, meant Roxas had about ten minutes to clear out. It could be five with a cab, but he knew Axel was notorious for not thinking things through when in an emotional state. 

Tears came again, along with the fury of just how well he knew Axel. Shadows writhed where his heart should be. He had to get out of the apartment. If he saw Axel, he knew his resolve would shatter. 

No note, no explanation. 

He left it all behind, his apartment, his things, his phone, and his heart. 

* * *

By the time he reached the station, he knew Axel would have found his apartment empty. He could only pray that Axel would check the obvious places for him first. He wasted nearly ten minutes consulting a map and comparing it to the handful of flights available at five in the morning. 

The furthest he could get was a small town on a nearby world. A quick four-hour flight at the warp speed of the commuter ships. 

He handed munny over to the bored-looking ticket clerk, who barely even looked up from her phone, sliding the ticket under the glass divider with an apathetic ‘have a nice trip.’ 

As he waited for the ship, he found humor in the situation. Here he was, eighteen, with a one-way ticket and a life condensed down to a single suitcase. He was a walking cliché. 

The ship was blessedly empty at the early hour, and he tucked his suitcase away before claiming a seat by the windows. Curling his small frame into the thick cushioning, he stared out the window as everything he’d ever known shrank down into a tiny pinprick before being lost to the warp drive. His entire body trembled with silent sobs, but his eyes remained dry. He’d already cried all the tears.

* * *

The first thing Roxas did upon landing was to check himself into the local hospital. 

Yes, he was alone. No, there was no one to call. Did they take card? He found it stupid that he was this hero. Thanks to some stipend somewhere, he had an account with more munny than he’d ever need. 

“War hero?” the nurse gawked at the paperwork. “At eighteen… Just where did you come from, kid?” 

“Nowhere of consequence. Can we speed this up?” His arm was throbbing, and he was sure it was the only thing that was keeping him awake. 

The last thing he remembered for the next few days was the IV being put into his arm. 

The stay turned out to involve a lot of dodging questions, a lot of playing dumb. When they asked what happened, he said he’d been attacked. Why did he still have his suitcase? Well, they didn’t want his things, just his munny, and to rough him up a bit. He wasn’t sure if they believed him, but there was enough medication in his system to keep him out of it, to keep the demons at bay, bringing them down to a manageable level. The occasional wisp, faint and smoky, would drift out when he thought of home. 

He left the hospital what felt like weeks later, after surgery on his arm and a lot of observation to make sure there wasn’t any lasting internal bleeding.

The place he found himself in was tiny, the hospital easily the largest building.

Rolling his suitcase behind him, he set off to make himself a new home. 

He thought a lot about home in those first days as he got his new life set up. New apartment, new skateboard, and attempts to find a new job. 

Turned out that jobs were scarce in a small town, especially when they seemed to favor hiring the locals first. Almost a month had gone by before he met Eliza. 

Drawn in by the quaint shop front, he’d walked through the open door, greeted by an older woman with silvery hair. She was almost as tiny as he was. She smiled the warmest smile before it slowly fell as she took him in. 

He’d been fighting his demons out deep in the woods behind his apartment. His arm was still in a cast, making it impossible for him to use his second keyblade and so he hadn’t escaped unscathed. But the more he’d thrown himself into this new life, the less he thought about where he came from, the more they seemed to shrink. 

“Sweetheart,” She walked around the counter, coming over and placing her hands softly upon his shoulders. She looked at him, with her pale silver eyes, like a mother would. “What happened to you?” 

Her soft gaze, the concern in her voice, broke down a wall that Roxas didn’t realize he’d had until he was crying. She didn’t push him away or ask why he was crying. She’d just called for her daughter to mind the shop and pulled him into her arms, letting him cry himself out. 

Afterward, when she’d asked again, he’d just choked out ‘demons.’ 

He waited for her to ask about the war. About his half-life. But she’d just hugged him again, stroking his hair and telling him it would be ok. 

He kept coming back after that, sometimes getting something to take home with him and leaving almost immediately. Sometimes he would stay, talking with Eliza and occasionally her daughter, Maddie, about the town, the people, and the places. And to his surprise, they never pried, never asked about his past. 

One day, Eliza sat down across from him, reaching out to place her hand over his, startling him from where he’d been staring out blankly at people passing by. 

“I hear you’re still looking for a job. I have one available if you’re interested.” 

He’d gaped over at her in surprise for a good minute. 

“There’s a yard out back if you want help fighting your demons. My Maddie is a wonder with a bat,” she chuckled to herself as if there were a joke that Roxas didn’t catch. 

He jumped at the opportunity though, Eliza had become something of a mother to him.

And so he found himself with a job. The small general store was warm, lacking air conditioning in the summer heat, and he often found himself tugging at the collar of his shirt. He wasn’t sure why he even felt the need to dress up. Eliza had told him ages ago that he didn’t have to dress so formally for work, but even she had to admit to the increase of business from those interested in the new kid. 

In a small town like this, he’d become the center of attention for a while and that was an excellent distraction. He’d waited for the recognition in the first month, the mentions of Sora, the girls, wondering if Roxas could introduce them. But, everyone seemed interested in _him_. Because he was Roxas. He was this stranger with no past. No one knew more than his name at first. 

He confided in Eliza how strange it was for these people to be interested in him. She smiled and hugged him.

“Of course they’re interested in you, Roxas. You’re a mystery. And handsome to boot.” 

It felt like no one had ever told him that. It felt as if all he had ever heard was how much he looked like Sora, or how he could be Ven’s twin. 

He shared vague details, bits and pieces about his life before. He stuck to details of his old home at first, places that people didn't see in the small town. It was enough for people to keep coming back for more. 

He swore there were a few that seemed to come in to flirt with him. And it fascinated him how they seemed to want to know more about _him_ and only him. He'd talk. He'd remain friendly.

He never could bring himself to flirt back, though. His heart just wasn’t in it.


	3. It's Never Over

Roxas spent a lot of his spare time in the store cleaning and organizing, anything to keep him from thinking too much.

Eliza loved it. “I’ve never seen the place so tidy,” she said with a pointed look at her daughter. 

Maddie rolled her eyes, “Great, now mom’s going to make me clean.” 

“Don’t worry about it. I'll be happy to take care of it. I enjoy doing this kind of thing. It keeps my mind busy.” He tried to ignore the soft look that Eliza gave him, focusing hard on the shelf he was unpacking cases onto. He tuned them out when they started discussing Maddie’s work ethics. 

His life was peaceful, simple. He only thought of his old home when it would drift up in his dreams, and the wisps floating around his head when he woke up were easy enough to chase away. He barely noticed the time passing, preferring to stay busy with work, and trying out various hobbies. 

He’d gone into work that morning with plans of getting things cleaned up for the delivery they got that afternoon and was just in the middle of dusting the shelves when Eliza’s voice drifted across the store. 

“Roxas, can you go get the boxes from the back?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” He moved past the counter, pausing to drop the duster before Eliza caught his arm as he passed by. 

“Come now, Roxas. You’ve been working here for four months. I told you to call me Eliza.” 

“I’m working on it, _Eliza_ ,” he shook his head with a smile. It still felt strange to call the woman by her first name. She was old enough to be Roxas’s mother, and then some. She gave him a wide grin, though. 

“And if you see Maddie, let her know that her break was over ten minutes and to get that lazy butt of hers off her phone and back out front.” 

“Yes, ma—Eliza.” 

Four months. It didn’t feel like it had been that long, but he supposed he knew every customer by name. He’d memorized the location of every item they stocked. And to his eternal amusement, he knew more about the female population that was his age than he ever cared to.

That meant he’d been in town for nearly half a year. He wondered for a moment how people were doing back home before shaking his head almost violently. No, that wasn’t right. This was home now. 

He swatted the wisp down before grabbing up a couple of boxes. The bell rang over the front door and Eliza’s voice drifted into the backroom. 

“Welcome,” there was a pause. “You’re a new face. Passing through?” 

“Kind of,” came the stranger's reply.

Roxas froze in his tracks, heart immediately taking off in a sprint. 

“Is there something I can help you with?” 

“I guess I’m looking for someone?” 

_Why would he be here?_ The boxes fell from Roxas's hands with a loud crash. A crushing force wrapped itself around his ribs, driving every bit of air from his lungs. His body felt like ice. White spread across his vision.

“Roxas?” Eliza’s concerned voice called back to him first. 

“Roxas?!” 

His name sounded like it came from underwater. 

“Roxas, sweetheart. Breathe.” Eliza’s soft voice drifted through the white noise. “Sweetheart, look at me.” 

He fought to focus on her silver eyes. Sucking in a deep breath pushed back the haze. 

“That’s it. Just breathe.” She ran her hand through his hair before touching his cheek. “What happened? Are you ok?” 

He tried to answer, but all that he could get out was a choked sound, so instead, he pointed a trembling hand towards the front room.

“You know him?” she glanced towards the doorway before looking back at him with a knowing look. “He’s from your past. He’s looking for you.” 

He nodded. “I’m sorry. I’ll get the boxes now. I think I’ll be ok.” 

“Do you want me to send him away?” 

“He’ll stick around, regardless. I owe him some answers.” It took him several tries with shaking hands before he could get the boxes picked up. 

“You don’t owe anyone anything, Roxas.” 

“It’ll be ok, Eliza. I promise.” 

She studied him for a moment. “Let me know if you need anything. Take the rest of the day off once you put those away,” she gave a nod to the boxes in his hands. “I’ll keep him busy until you’re done.” 

“Thanks, Eliza. You’re the best mom I’ve always wanted,” he tried to flash a smile, but it fell a little flat. 

He followed her back to the shopfront, keeping his eyes on his feet. 

“Roxas!” 

Axel’s voice was just as he remembered it. Loud and full of emotion. He saw movement, the shuffle of feet as he passed, and knew if he looked up, that Axel would probably be reaching for him, that his very presence would become overwhelming.

“Now, now, stranger. Don’t be bothering my help.” 

“I just want to talk to him.” 

“You can talk when he’s done. And only if he wants to talk.” Eliza was using what Roxas called her mother voice, leaving no room for argument.

“Yes, ma’am.” There was a strain to Axel’s voice as if it _were_ torture having to wait. 

“Sit down, I’ll bring you a coffee while you wait.”

It took Roxas longer than usual to stock when he had to pause every so often to fight the shaking of his hands. He never once looked at the cafe corner, at the small table by the window. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to go running. Though he wasn’t sure if he’d run to Axel or out the door first.

After another long few minutes where he struggled, Maddie came over, gently taking the cans from his hands. “Mom says you can go. But to call her if you need her. And I’m supposed to emphasize _at all._ ” 

"Thanks." His legs shook the entire walk across the store to where Axel sat. He still didn’t look. He didn’t want to see that face just yet. He didn’t want that hope. Didn’t want to run like a coward. Instead, he watched Axel’s feet, striding to meet him halfway. Roxas held up a hand, still looking down. 

“Not here, please. Let’s go.” 

He didn’t want to take Axel back to his apartment. The emotional turmoil he was feeling at that moment would just taint his memories of the place. He didn’t want the memories of Axel sitting on his couch or in his kitchen. He knew that Axel’s memory would linger around the small town though. Thoughts of moving on once Axel left were already forming in the back of his mind. 

“Roxas…” 

“Have you eaten yet? There’s a good place I can recommend if you haven’t.” 

Axel’s soft chuckle hit him like a hammer, nearly taking him off his feet. Axel hadn’t only brought himself. Turns out he’d brought Roxas’s heart back to him. 

“Still worrying about others, I see. Don’t worry I’ve had lunch.” 

“Yeah, ok.” It felt like such a stupid thing, but Roxas didn’t know what else to say. The silence that fell between them as they walked along was awkward. Roxas couldn’t get over the fact that Axel walked along two feet from him. It was surreal, almost. 

They wound up at the park, Roxas leading Axel over into a quiet corner. The silence was thick between them as Roxas stood a few paces away, arms wrapped around his middle, trying to hold himself together. 

“Roxas, will you just look at me? Please?” 

The outright pain in Axel’s voice brought his head up, and up, to look into the green eyes that had haunted his dreams and nightmares for weeks. That would _continue_ to haunt him. He looked up into a face that was staring down in relief, morphing into what he could only describe as absolute jubilation. 

Axel’s hands came up to cup his cheeks, leaving Roxas wondering for a heart-pounding moment if he was about to be kissed. 

Instead, Axel crushed him in a hug. Breath rushed from him in a loud huff when Axel squeezed him tighter and tighter. 

“I thought I’d never see you again,” Axel’s voice was soft, half-muffled in Roxas’s hair before lips brushed into the strands, and he could almost feel Axel shaking before he turned loose.

Without Axel supporting him, his legs started to shake and he sank onto a bench. “How did you find me?” He stared down at his shoes like they were the most fascinating thing. 

“I’ve been following the rumors about keyblade wielders,” Axel stated like it was the most obvious thing in the universe. “ Finally heard a description of you and headed out. I’m amazed I found you. You don’t know how happy I am.” 

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe I didn’t want to be found?” Roxas spat, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“But why would you want that?” Axel sounded confused, making Roxas's heart ache.

“Because. Here I’m not living under someone else’s shadow? I’m my own person here. I’m who I want to be.” 

“Roxas." There was almost a tone of annoyance, maybe a hint of distress in Axel's voice. "You can be your own person back in Twilight Town. I’ve told you a dozen times that I’d beat up anyone who called you anything but your own name.” 

“And I told you I don’t want you to waste all of your time with me.” Roxas swiped a hand through a wisp. Already it was darker, thicker. 

“Come on, Roxas. We’re best friends. And it’s not just me. Hell, all of your friends miss you like crazy. We just want you to come back.” 

Best friends. Right. Roxas braced himself for what he was about to say, for how wrong it would sound. “Look, Lea. I’m happy here,” The words lingered, bitter on his tongue as he looked up at Axel. 

The way that Axel tilted his head, how he mouthed ‘Lea,’ one eyebrow going up dramatically would have been funny if not for the situation. 

“Your wisps tell a different story,” Axel gestured to the lingering traces of the one Roxas had just batted a hand through. 

“Everyone has them, Lea,” he gestured to the one that had curled up around Axel. He wouldn’t mention how they’d nearly been gone, how they’d only pop up now and again when he got frustrated with work, or something breaking in his apartment. Trivial things. He wouldn’t say how they were getting worse now that old memories were being shoved in his face. He didn't want to put that on Axel. Even now, Roxas didn't want to hurt him.

“That’s beside the point. Come home, Roxas. We can help you deal with them.” 

A hundred arguments drifted through his head, each sounding more pathetic, more desperate than the last. He shook his head instead. “Can we not talk about this right now?” 

“Well, what _do_ you want to talk about?” 

Everything about this new life was ruined, so he might as well ask. “How about you tell me about what everyone’s been up to since I left?” He tried to pass it off casually, as if he’d told everyone goodbye, that he was out here for the adventure. He tried to pretend Axel had shown up for a visit, instead of to drag him back. 

“Sure, I guess…” 

They wound up back at Roxas’s apartment, because what was one more place tainted at that point. And it saved Axel the munny of getting a room at the one small motel. They talked until the sun had gone down and the stars came out, moonlight shining through the windows of the dark living room. 

Roxas got Axel set up with a pillow and blanket on the couch, and sat as far as he could in the kitchen chair he’d brought over. Axel kept trying to offer him a couch cushion, but he declined. The discomfort kept him distracted from the fact that Axel, of all people, was sitting in his living room. It kept him from getting caught up in what could have been. 

He knew he wouldn’t be sleeping that night, so he kept Axel talking. He’d forgotten just how easy it was. Axel practically held the conversation by himself, and Roxas watched as yawns kept interrupting sentences, as Axel’s eyelids slowly drooped over those green eyes that even half asleep, had yet to stop sparkling. Words slowly tapered off, breathing evening out, until he was snoring softly. 

Roxas pushed up from the chair, intent on at least laying in bed. He paused first, reaching down to tuck the blanket around Axel. A soft smile spread across his face when Axel snuggled into it. 

“Thanks, Rox.” 

He froze, staring down at Axel as he snored softly. His legs gave out seconds later, and he sank to his knees by the couch. 

Nearly six months. 

He thought he was over it. That Twilight Town was well on the way to becoming a distant memory. He thought he’d put Axel out of his mind, forgotten about those feelings that would never be returned. But then the lion had roared back into his life. And worse, there were those little sparks of hope that refused to let go, that had shown themselves the second he’d heard Axel’s voice again.

Axel had missed _him_ , traveled across _worlds_ to come to get him. He was trying _so_ hard to get Roxas to come home. 

_Lies,_ his demons whispered in his ear, over and over, like a record skipping. _Remember, it’s_ all _of your friends that want you home. Not just him. Remember, you’re just a child to him. He was probably sent to fetch you. Drew the short straw._

Something crashed to the ground, sending him shooting to his feet when Axel stirred. The wisps saw movement and swooped, stinging him with their tendrils. He bit hard on his tongue to keep the sounds of pain inside and ran for the front door, praying Axel wouldn’t wake up. 

He ran barefoot across grass, tearing through trees, ignoring the branches whipping into the bare skin of his arms. An eerie silence followed him, but he knew they were still there. If he looked back, he would see the inky mess, swirling around and through trees, trailing after him. Each wisp that left his chest trailed behind to join up with the mass. 

His foot caught a root, and he went tumbling, hands coming out automatically and scraping across the rough ground. The wisps swarmed, coming down around him in a swarm of creatures. 

_Child,_ they seemed to whisper to him. _Pathetic._

“Shut up!” he shouted, keyblades springing to life in his hands.

The creatures _laughed._ And then they struck. 


	4. It's All Too Much

The first thing Axel noticed when he woke up was the bloody handprint on the back of the front door. It sent his heart into overdrive, sent him scrambling off the couch, tangling himself in the blanket, and hitting the floor with a thud. The next things were the keyblades, lying across the tile of the kitchen. That they were lying there instead of vanishing was worrying, but being there meant that Roxas at least wasn’t dead. But as he moved closer, he noticed they were covered in blood, both the blade and the grip. There were streaks of blood across the tile like someone had fallen there and then had trouble getting back up. Roxas’s shoes sat nearby, kicked halfway across the kitchen, stained dark with red.

“Roxas?” Axel tentatively called down the hall. “Are you ok?” 

There was another handprint about halfway down the hall, and he focused so hard on it as he walked that he didn’t notice the stain on the carpet until his foot fell into something cold and almost sticky as he came closer. He peeled his foot up, staring down at the muddy red splotch. A trail of footprints lead from it to the bathroom. 

It looked like a crime scene with smears of blood across the counter and tub. Bits of bandaging and gauze lay everywhere. But there was still no sign of Roxas. Axel’s gut twisted as he lunged out of the bathroom, nearly slipping in a puddle on the tile. It was still a murky red, still slick. It couldn’t have happened that long ago. 

He left his own set of bloody footprints as he stumbled down to the closed door of Roxas’s room. 

His heart was in his throat as he flung the door open with a bang. “Roxas!” 

The lump on the bed shot up with a startled shout, one keyblade appearing in Roxas’s hand as the covers slid down to his waist. 

Axel gawked at the sheer amount of bandaging he could see on Roxas’s bare chest and arms, at the bruising that spread, deep and purple, up one entire side of his ribcage. 

Roxas’s eyes darted around the room wildly until they settled on Axel. “Oh, it’s just you.” The keyblade vanished, and he slumped back into the pillows. 

The relief was brief, anger surged along with worry, and Axel stomped across the room, yanking the covers away. 

“Hey!” Roxas shouted.

“What the hell happened to you?” Axel's eyes trailed over Roxas’s arms, across his torso, down past his pajama pants, to his bandaged feet. Blood spotted the sheets and bandaging. Axel’s stomach did an uncomfortable somersault. His hand automatically chased the wisp away as it left his chest. 

“It’s nothing.” 

“Nothing?” he sputtered. “Roxas. Look at yourself. Your apartment looks like a crime scene.” 

“There goes my security deposit,” Roxas chuckled as he pressed his palms over his eyes. 

“This isn’t funny! What. Happened?” 

“I got into a fight,” Roxas shrugged. 

“With what? The entire mob?” 

Another chuckle escaped Roxas. “In a way,” he waved a hand at Axel. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.” 

“Cut the shit, Roxas. What did this to you? Who do I have to hurt?” 

“Me. I did this to myself.” 

They both swiped hands through demons. Axel stared at the mist as it faded away. His smoke was a pale grey. Roxas’s was black. 

“Yours is so much darker. Why?” 

Roxas froze, heart leaping into his throat. He could hardly tell Axel about the anguish that his presence was causing. He couldn’t say all the stupid things he felt when he looked at the redhead. Not when he wouldn’t understand. 

“It just is,” he snapped, glaring. 

“Bullshit.”

“Fine. Remember when you asked why I left? It was because I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to hurt the few people that I care about.” 

“Look, we can all help you through this. That’s what friends are for. Please, Roxas. Come back home. We miss you. I miss you.” 

“Just go home and leave me alone, Lea,” he tripped over the name. But maybe it would get the point across. 

“Roxas. Look me in the eye and tell me you want me to leave you alone.” 

Roxas’s glare fell to the floor, chest squeezing painfully. He couldn’t, and Axel knew it. 

“Come home, Roxas. Please. I’m begging you.” 

He couldn’t, didn’t want to.

But he couldn’t say no. Not when Axel was looking down into his eyes like he was the most important person in all of the worlds. 

“Fine,” he snapped. “You win. I’ll go. Just... give me a week here?” 

“Take all the time you need.” 

* * *

They had the same argument what felt like a thousand times over that week. 

“Can’t you just go? Leave me here.” 

“Look, Roxas. I’ve told you a thousand times. I don’t want to leave you here alone.” 

“I’m not alone. I’ve got friends, a job. I know faces and names. I don’t need you.” 

“Then why can’t you look me in the eye when you say these things?” 

“Fuck you, Lea,” he couldn’t even look at Axel when he said that much, couldn’t muster any anger to put behind the words. 

What probably hurt him the most was how understanding everyone was when Roxas said he had to leave. 

“Of course I understand, sweetheart,” Eliza hugged him, holding him tight, stroking his hair. “We all knew you weren’t from around here, and there was always that chance that you’d have to go home. Just remember, you’re always welcome here.” 

Home was such a strange concept. The little town was just as much of a home as Twilight Town. 

He knew that if he wanted, he could tell Axel to go back home. He could force himself to look up into those green eyes and tell him to fuck off. He knew that Axel would listen, but he also knew that the others would show up to check on him, to convince him to come home. Axel telling them that Roxas was ok wouldn’t be enough. They would want to see him for themselves.

And he knew that even if he didn’t relent now, he would at some other point. Eventually, he’d tire of knowing that they were hurting and follow them back. Axel had shattered the brief illusion of his own life. He could never go back to forgetting now, not when Axel’s memory was going to haunt so many corners of the little town. Not when Axel had forced his heart back into his chest. 

Then again, he could always run. The minute that Axel got on that ship, he could pack his bags and move on. But he knew, deep down, that no matter how far he went, how many worlds away, he would never truly escape.

Axel would _always_ find him

* * *

The minute he stepped off the ship and out into the station, his friends engulfed him in hugs. Sora was nearly jumping up and down. Xion was most definitely crying. There were shouts of ‘he’s back’ and ‘you’re home’ repeated over and over. He lost track of Axel for a stretch of time before everyone settled down. 

“Lea, you did it! You brought Roxas back.” 

“Come now, we had no doubts, did we?” 

The strange voice drew Roxas’s attention away from those surrounding him. He turned to find Isa standing off to the side, out of the hug-fest. Strange. What was he doing here? He and Roxas had never really gotten along.

“You’re too nice,” Axel’s voice was soft, almost as if he were embarrassed. 

He watched Axel run a hand through his hair before dropping his arm around Isa’s shoulders. He looked harder and his blood turned to molasses. There was Isa’s arm… around Axel’s waist. 

No. 

Realization washed over him, white noise crashing into his ears, drowning out the cacophony of the busy station. He swore his heart stopped for a couple of beats before taking off in a thunder, adding to the noise in his ears. His entire body went cold, numb, and then burned hot. It amazed him when his legs didn’t give out then and there. 

So, Roxas had been an idiot, yet again. Just why hadn’t Axel mentioned anything? Why hadn’t he told Roxas about his relationship… warned him? Why had Roxas been allowing himself that hope?

The urge to turn around and get back on the ship he’d just left had him taking a couple of steps before Xion grabbed at his arm, pulling him back into the hugs.

“It’s so good to see you, Roxas. We missed you so much,” she spoke quietly, fighting back another wave of tears.

Sora had his other arm now. “Yeah, where'd you go? Why?” 

Roxas could barely hear them. The flash of red and blue from the corner of his eye had his throat closing up. There was a vice crushing his chest. He couldn’t get a full breath. The last thing he heard was someone saying he looked pale as a ghost. 

* * *

He woke up in a familiar bed, in a familiar apartment. Voices drifted down the hall, low and quiet. He flung his legs over the edge of the bed, rubbing at the corners of his eyes as he took in his surroundings. 

They’d brought him back to his apartment. He figured they’d clean it out and rent it after he left. It must be a hero thing to leave it for him for if and when he came back. Nothing was out of place, nothing missing. It even looked like someone had come through and dusted fairly recently. His hand brushed over the things on his shelf, fingers lingering over the picture of Axel and him before he flipped it face down, pressing a hand against the sharp feeling where his heart sat. Axel had moved on. 

No, that wasn’t right. 

Axel hadn’t moved on, because they’d never been together. He was just kidding himself. Axel had never thought of him that way. He was just the little wayward child that Axel had to come fetch, to drag back home kicking and screaming. A wave of self-loathing pulsed through him and his fingers wrapped around the resulting wisp, a little darker, a little more solid than the last. Staring at the down-turned frame on his shelf, he crushed it. 

The minute he opened his door, the talking tapered off. 

“Roxas, are you ok?” Axel’s voice was the first to reach him. Of course it was. His heart writhed in his chest. He was so tired of that question. It was the last thing Axel had asked him before he ran, and now it was the first when he returned. 

“No,” he spoke softly, unsure if it would reach down the hall. Only now, he couldn’t turn off his phone. The best he could do was go back in his room, barricade the door, and refuse to come out until they all left. 

A soft touch on his hands brought him out of his thoughts, and he stared down at Axel kneeling in front of him and holding his hands. His heart fluttered, full of hope with the soft way that Axel looked up at him. 

“Axel…” he let his fingers tighten around Axel’s. His heart gave a loud thump when Axel’s lips parted. 

“What’s wrong?” Isa’s voice drifted down the hall. 

Roxas jerked back, straightening from where he’d bent at the waist, bringing his face towards Axel’s. 

“Nothing,” he said, far too quickly, feeling his face grow warm from the suspicious way that Isa looked at him. He cleared his throat. “I just wasn’t expecting to wake up in my apartment? Lea was just checking up on me.” He could see the confusion on Axel’s face. It was a fight not to wince at the sour taste of the name on his tongue. It made him feel wrong every time he said it. 

“Lea?” Isa raised his eyebrow, looking down at Axel kneeling. 

“Yeah, just making sure Rox is ok,” Axel pushed up, letting go of Roxas’s hands and grinning over at Isa. He glanced back as Isa and he walked off. “There’s dinner if you’re hungry, kid.” 

“I’m not hungry.” 

“You’ve got to eat, Rox. Come on, we made your favorites.” 

He couldn’t say no to Axel.

His kitchen was full of people. He should have felt happy about being surrounded by so many who cared for him, who missed him. The smiles they gave were warm, the hugs were tight and lingering. 

He should be happy, but it was all too much. 

The noise was overwhelming once the chatter picked back up. He’d quickly had to retreat to the living room. Everyone thankfully seemed to catch on and from there only one, or with Sora and Axel, two people would come to talk to him at a time. 

Sora and Riku had never bothered him. Over the top affection was how Sora had always expressed himself, and it was almost amusing at how grudgingly accepting of it Riku was. He struggled whenever Axel and Isa would come in, usually holding hands, sometimes with their arms around each other’s waists. 

If they’d known the turmoil in Roxas, they would surely have come in separately. But Roxas didn’t let it show. He didn’t want to be a bother. He fought hard to keep the happiness on his face, wishing them congratulations the first time they came in together. He prayed that they wouldn’t launch into a tale of how they got together, and they answered his prayers when they humbly accepted and moved the conversation on. 

Whenever someone asked where he’d gone and why he’d left, he’d just laughed the best he could and said he needed some time alone to find himself. 

He didn’t say how it felt like he’d left that person behind. 

They all stayed, talking late into the night until someone finally seemed to realize how much they were all yawning. He received another round of hugs and tried not to dwell too long on how Axel’s arms seemed to linger, the way his face pressed to Roxas’s hair. 

But once the door shut on the last guest, that was all he could think about. 

The warmth of Axel’s hands, the almost loving way he’d looked up at Roxas in the hall. He kept wondering if they would have kissed if Isa hadn’t interrupted. 

So, too tired to keep the thoughts at bay, he got lost in a daydream of kissing Axel. The warmth and joy tore through the demons that had been building up since he’d awoken. He sank down on the couch, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around his chest, imagining that it was Axel. He could almost feel the couch sinking down from the extra weight as Axel settled over him, as Axel’s lips pressed to his, to his cheek, his neck, his collarbones… 

But then the door flew open, and there was Isa, staring down at them in fury. He stormed in as Axel flung himself off of Roxas, holding up his hands in surrender. Isa was shouting at Axel now, almost as if Roxas weren’t there. But when Axel had pointed down at Roxas with the words, ‘It’s his fault. He seduced me,’ Isa whirled. Dark shadows swirled around him as he bore down on Roxas. 

“Homewrecker. Child. You should have stayed gone. I don’t know why Lea bothered to bring you back. If you so much as…” he grabbed the front of Roxas’s shirt, yanking him up off the couch. 

Roxas hit the floor with a thud, half tangled in a blanket, knee smarting from where it had smacked into the coffee table. He shook his head groggily, trying to dislodge the haze of sleep. 

Shadowy demons swirled around his living room. _Homewrecker,_ they whispered. Things fell off the shelves, knocked around by the things that were filling the room. _Child_. Windows rattled, curtains billowed. Something dark crawled across the floor in his direction. _He seduced me._ His heart beat so fast that it felt like it would implode as he looked the creature in its black eyes. It was swelling, growing as it pulled in the wisps flying around the room. _It’s his fault._ More kept coming from his chest to take the place of the ones the creature took. _...his fault._

Something fell from the shelf, shattering across the floor. He could hear the scraping of the chairs from the kitchen, the rattling and breaking of glass and ceramic. The walls seemed to creak almost ominously. He scrambled to his feet, never taking his eyes from the creature as he backed towards the door. Inky tendrils lashed from the writhing mass overhead, some caressing his skin, some stinging painfully. 

The door slammed behind him and he took off at a sprint, knowing something like a door wouldn’t stop the demons for long.


	5. Come Join Us

When Roxas showed up to lunch the next day, the group greeted him cheerfully, welcoming him back in like he hadn’t even been gone. He noticed, though, how Axel’s gaze lingered over him, eyes taking in the long sleeves he wore, tugged down over his hands. He watched how Roxas would tug the collar up whenever it slipped. He knew the long scrape down his neck was very visible, but no one said a word. They smiled a little too brightly, hugged a little too tightly. 

At one point Axel looked over at him, calling his name so gently, so full of emotion, that he couldn’t help but look up from his plate. His gaze raked up slowly and he couldn’t help the way his gaze lingered over Axel and Isa’s joined hands, resting casually on the table. 

“Are you ok?” Axel’s voice was still soft as if he’d reached across the table and stroked Roxas’s cheek. 

“I’m fine,” Roxas tried to smile cheerfully, tugging his sleeve down, praying he’d done a good enough job that he wouldn’t bleed through his bandaging. It was always that question… asked so many times by so many people. Whenever someone asked, he just wanted to scream out that no, he wasn’t ok. He would probably never be ok.

Axel’s gaze flicked to somewhere just over his shoulder. “Just wanted to be sure,” his smile was forced. Isa gave his hand a squeeze, drawing his attention back over. 

Roxas stared at their hands, the way their fingers entwined, clinging to one another. A gentle touch to his arm made him realize that Xion was calling his name. He smiled over at her, forcing himself to answer the question she’d been asking.

* * *

He was back to drowning, trapped in a box with no way out while someone slowly poured water in. It wasn’t like he didn’t try. He did. He really did. But while he was drowning, it was like several people watched, their hands pressed to the glass, screaming at him to stop, yelling that _ he _ was the one pouring the water. 

He went through the motions day after day. Wake up. Eat a breakfast he couldn’t taste. Chat with Axel and try to answer texts from his friends. Lay on the couch and recover for hours afterward. Maybe go out and pretend he was fine. Fall into bed exhausted yet unable to sleep.

Whenever someone would try to talk about his feelings, about the wisps he’d let them see, he’d wave them off with a smile and ramble on about something mundane. 

“Oh, they were just out of sea salt ice cream earlier.” 

“I couldn’t find my favorite jacket. Turns out it was up under my bed. I feel silly for not finding it sooner.” 

“Man, one of my favorite shows was canceled. Mid-season too.” 

He had suspicions that they weren’t buying the act, but he kept smiling when they were all out, laughing at all of their jokes, trying to show the right emotion when needed. 

He pointedly tried not to notice how his friends were swatting away their own demons. He pretended not to notice how dark they were becoming. He pretended that they didn’t all look somewhere just over his shoulder when they spoke with him. He was fine. Everything was just fine.

But, his demons continued to grow, and he continued to hold them in and then fight them in secrecy late at night when he couldn’t sleep. He struggled to hide his growing array of injuries. He hid the fact that when they dissolved into mist and smoke, they didn’t vanish. Instead, they swooped in, leaving him simultaneously cold and hot as they passed through him. 

He didn’t tell anyone the night that they seemed to peak. When instead of passing through him, they lingered, somewhere just behind his heart. When it felt like the inky tendrils wrapped around the muscle, embracing it. When for the briefest moment, it felt like something had just come home. 

The first change he saw happening was the lack of major injuries. How his skin wasn’t staying as bruised. How he could keep a supply of bandages for more than a day. How the demons took longer to build up. How he was coming home after fighting them feeling almost numb. 

It became easier for him to smile. His laugh almost sounded more genuine. So, he started hanging around others more. Whenever someone compared him to Sora, he would just grin and say ‘that sounds like a compliment.’ But whenever he was alone, lying in bed at night, the demons would whisper. 

Some nights when he hadn’t been fighting, they would tell him precisely how terrible of a person he was, that he was a fake, a burden. They would tell him that they weren’t surprised that Axel didn’t like him. That they were surprised he had friends. That he would never be as good as Sora, or Ven, or whoever. But the longer that he remained numb, the more they seemed to realize how ineffective that method was.

Instead, his demons then started whispering when he spent time around his friends. They whispered that his friends were just treating him like some sick child. That they only felt sorry for him. 

Whenever one of them would share their feelings, the demons were whispering in his ear. 

_ They like to complain a lot, don’t they? You know their demons are what’s bringing you down like this. They’re not really your friends. They just want you to suffer. Maybe… maybe you should make _ them _ suffer instead. _

The more he was around people, the louder the whispers became. Their tone changed. They stopped putting him down and started to sing his praises. They started luring him in. 

_ There’s nothing wrong with you, Roxas. It’s their demons causing your pain. Embrace your pain. Embrace your demons, Roxas. Embrace us. We can  _ help  _ you. You can hurt them the way they’ve hurt you. You’ll never have to feel again.  _

They told him he wouldn’t feel. But something still affected him. His friends? Anger became a predominant feeling. Maybe if he hurt those that called him friend, maybe they would see how much he had suffered because of them. Or maybe they would leave him alone. His so-called friends would take their demons with them. He lashed out when they tried to help, throwing out accusations of treating him like nothing but this damaged child, this responsibility. 

But they seemed set on ignoring his anger, still trying to force their way into his life. To ‘fix’ him. He didn’t need to be fixed. It was  _ them _ . They were the problem. It angered him more, setting his blood boiling, until one night a giant demon cast him into deep shadows. It opened its mouth, black dripped to the ground, and then it spoke to him.

“Hello, Roxas.” 

He didn’t answer, just tightened the grip on his keyblades. His first thought had been to flee back to town. But everyone knew that it was impossible to outrun your demons. So instead he made the first move, sprinting across the clearing, bringing up his keyblades. 

He must have blacked out for a second. The next thing he knew, he was waking up in what felt like a mass of brambles. His palms were slick, the handles of his keyblades sliding against skin as he used them to push up. 

“Come on now, Roxas. You can do better than that.” 

He didn’t know how long it was that he fought the demon. Every cut, every bruise, every drop of blood; they all blurred together. He didn’t stop until the thing had burst into smoke, leaving him coughing and gasping for breath as it swirled down around him. 

He was exhausted, covered in blood, but blissfully empty.

He saw  _ it  _ for the first time as he was showering off. It wasn’t a wisp, but almost a snake of pure black. It curled from his chest, winding around and around his shoulders, sending out little tendrils that caressed his face, his neck, his collarbones before hovering in front of his face. The thing that must have been the creature’s mouth spread wide in what looked like a twisted smile. Beady eyes blinked at him and he could see himself reflected in the glossy black. 

It held out a tendril as a voice echoed in his ear. 

_ Join me, Roxas. I can help you. I can give you strength, take away your pain, your suffering. You’ll never hurt again. You’ll be… ok. _

He’d be ok? He pressed a hand to his chest where it still felt hollow. He looked down at his body, at every injury and the faint scars that littered his skin. He would never hurt? Axel drifted into his mind with Isa standing next to him. There was only the faintest twinge of jealousy.

“Will it stop?” 

It sounded like the creature laughed. 

_ Of course. Why would you need to care about anyone? They don’t matter. Only you do. Come on, Roxas. It's now or never.”  _

Slowly, Roxas reached out and touched one finger to it. It curled around his fingers, cool and solid. 

_ Good, _ it whispered to him, curling tight around his hand. Roxas felt a rush of warmth. It was almost a feeling of contentment, but it rang hollow. He didn’t care though. The anxiety, the anguish, even the pain of his injuries were all gone. He smiled at the dark form as it curled up his arm and disappeared into his chest. The half feeling of contentment faded away, and it left Roxas numb. Empty. Flat.

At least at first. 

It was laughable how easy it became to pretend that he was fine when he didn’t have feelings getting in the way. All he had to do was mimic whoever was around. 

No one seemed to question his sudden mood shift. He smiled, laughed, and joked. He watched with the faintest hint of satisfaction as his friends relaxed around him. They chatted freely and shared more. 

It was almost like old times and he sometimes found himself staring down at his arms, wondering just where his black coat had gone, where Axel’s tattoos were. His demons would laugh and gently remind him that he was just thinking of the past. That the present was far better. 

He would say that he was happy, but he wasn’t. He was just empty. And that was ok.

And no one noticed at first when his attitude shifted again. His demons must have gotten bored without Roxas’s suffering to feed them because the more he hung around his friends, the more their anguish, their misery, their negativity felt like a drug. They didn’t seem aware when Roxas started asking a question here and there, trying to draw out more details of their upset.

They  _ did _ notice his smile. First, it was how a corner would turn up ever so faintly whenever one of them talked about their wisps. Next was how he would laugh. How it had turned the faintest bit sinister, how his smile then curled just a little too much. 

Roxas noticed their wisps became darker and more substantial, and he reveled over their confusion over why it was happening. He noticed how every time he laughed now, they would almost cringe away. 

And yet they  _ still  _ wouldn’t leave him alone. 

He didn’t know how desperate they were to save him from falling completely to his demons. 

That would have only made him laugh more. It was far too late for that.


	6. Sweet Little Lies

_ Do you want to get lunch? _

An actual message from Xion? Roxas laughed at the text. 

His friends had slowly become more and more reluctant to spend time with him until finally, Xion had become the only one making much of an effort to talk with him. Oh, and Axel too, he supposed. 

_ Yeah. Name a time and place and I’ll be there. Anyone else coming? _

He’d asked every time, and it was always the same response.

_ Nah, just you and me today. I’ll get back to you with details.  _

And as he waited, he wondered if he’d be able to get her talking about something that upset her. His chest writhed with almost excitement.

Lunch turned out to be utterly boring. Xion had droned on about some project that she and Namine had been doing in the main square. Roxas had dutifully pretended to care while they were in public, nodding and smiling in all the right places. 

But now, as they were alone, walking down a side street, he reached out and grabbed her arm, pulling her to a stop. 

“Don’t you ever shut up?” 

“Roxas?” she stared at him like she couldn’t recognize him. 

“Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to have to listen to you be so happy all the time?” His grip on her arm tightened, nails digging in, subtle points drawing pinpricks of blood. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She yanked her arm. “Let go. You’re hurting me,” she shouted as she swatted at the wisp hovering around her head. 

“Good,” his vision blurred, red tinting the edges. Fury coursed through his veins and strengthened him.

“Roxas?” 

“Shut  _ up _ already.” His nails, more claw-like now, dug into her skin before he flung her away, watching as her shoulder scraped against the brick wall as she went down. 

She was insignificant, pathetic, full of _emotions_. She didn’t deserve to say his name. She didn’t  _ matter _ . 

She looked so small, half lying on the ground, clutching to her arm. She winced, hand coming up to swat away the deep grey wisp that fluttered from her chest. He stared at the blood smeared on her hand with a wicked smile. She was suffering, just as she’d made Roxas suffer. Good.

“What… are you?” her voice quivered a little as she knocked another grey wisp aside. 

He stared, not at her but the wisp, trying to see if it was darker. “I’m so sick of everyone’s shit.” He raised a hand to strike her again, watching in satisfaction at the way she winced back. 

“Roxas!” 

Something slammed into him, shoving him forcefully to the ground, hands scraping across the rough pavement. He glared up, hissing as he took in who stood over him. How had they found him?

“Sora,” he growled, shoving him away and floating off the ground, back onto his feet. Wonderful. Of course, Mister Perfect would show up. His claws grew, the black of his eyes reflecting in Sora’s blue eyes as he stared Roxas down. 

“What have you done?” 

“Only what she did to me first. She’s suffering.” He watched with a satisfied smirk as Sora swiped a hand through a couple of wisps. 

But his were lighter than the girl's. That wouldn’t do at all.

“She’s your friend! Why would you hurt her?” 

That threw him off a little. A friend? That pathetic little thing? His face must have spoken for him with how Sora was glaring. 

“Yes. Xion is your friend.” 

“As if,” Roxas scoffed. 

“Xion is your friend. I am your friend. Riku is your friend. Kairi is your friend. Lea is your friend.” 

“Don’t speak to me of that traitor.” He lunged, trying to tear claws into Sora’s side, his arm, anywhere he could reach. “He is  _ nothing _ to me. Not since he started dating Isa.” He swiped his hand through the air as Sora came at him, catching his keyblade and sending him flying, crashing back into the wall. 

“Sora!” Riku and Kairi’s voices echoed down the road. 

“Roxas, stop!” 

His name made him pause, staggering back a few steps, hesitating long enough for the two to reach Sora’s side. Xion joined them as well. Kairi knelt by Sora’s side, talking in low tones, hands going through his hair. 

“Just what are you playing at?” Riku whirled on Roxas, keyblade already in hand. “Sora’s your friend.” 

“As long as he’s around, I’ll always be a shadow.” 

“I can’t just let you hurt him like that.”

“That’s fine. I can just go through you.” Roxas flexed his fingers before wiggling one at Riku in a 'come on' gesture. 

They lunged at each other, Riku with his keyblade, Roxas not even bothering. He caught the metal in his hand, holding it there, laughing as Riku tried to yank it free. This was going to be a piece of cake. He flung his hand to the side, flinging the keyblade, ripping it from Riku’s hand and distracting him for a moment. Roxas lunged forward, intent on sinking his claws into Riku's skin. Riku’s head whipped over and he lunged away. Instead of his stomach, claws raked heavy trails across one arm. The keyblade reappeared in Riku’s hand as Roxas came at him again. And again. And again. 

Riku dropped to his knees, panting, almost gasping for breath, keyblade falling away. His eyes closed as if he were waiting for Roxas to finish him. 

Roxas lifted his hand to oblige. 

It was knocked away by another keyblade. He turned to find Kairi, keyblade at the ready, a scowl set on her face.  “You don’t have to do this.” 

“Yes, I do,” Roxas growled, fingers curling into fists, claws biting into his palms. 

“Why?” 

He froze, flashing cold for a moment. She was questioning him? How dare she. He couldn’t help the stumbling step he took away from her, and that was enough for her to knock him off his feet. He’d barely pushed up from the ground when a fist struck his jaw. Riku had regained his footing and was glaring. 

Keyblades laid forgotten as they wrestled him to the ground, pinning his arms behind his back. 

“Roxas, stop this nonsense.” 

Every time someone said his name, said some emotional line, it was like the power coursing through him took a punch. It was like a knife to the gut. They must have noticed the wince because Kairi started talking fast. 

“Roxas, we all care about you.” 

“Lies,” Roxas hissed, writhing on the ground, trying to shake the group off. 

“We can help you, Roxas.” Her hand reached out and touched his cheek. He hissed, but he could feel his strength draining with every kind sentence she spoke. This wasn’t how this was supposed to have gone. They weren’t supposed to care. They were supposed to hate him, to fuel him.

“Just trust us, Roxas.” Sora’s voice joined in, followed shortly by Xion’s.

“We’re here for you, Roxas.” 

He didn’t know how long they talked, how many times his name was spoken before his muscles gave up and he slumped onto the pavement. 

“Fuck you all,” his voice came out weak and tired. 

They hauled him to his feet. Both Sora and Riku held his arms back as Kairi continued to mutter phrases. Each time they spoke his name, the knife twisted. He couldn’t look at them and instead stared down at the blood dripping to the ground, deep, deep red. He focused on the inky mist that swirled up whenever a drop splashed to the pavement. His claws slowly started shrinking between the muttered phrases of care and the gentle touch of Kairi and Xion’s hands to his cheeks. 

“That’s it, Roxas. It’s ok now.” 

When he looked up again, it was blue that met Kairi’s stare. If he wasn’t being held up, he would have slumped to the ground in exhaustion. 

“I’m… sorry?” 

“Roxas,” his name was a whisper on everyone’s lips. 

“Are you guys ok?” The voice rang out, piercing straight into Roxas’s eardrums. His shoulders immediately tensed and the grip around his arms tightened.

“No. Wait. Lea, don’t” 

A familiar head of red hair came into Roxas’s vision, pushing aside Kairi and Xion, kneeling, fingers coming up to brush against his cheeks. No. He wasn't supposed to be here. Roxas squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Lea, get away. Please.” Kairi tugged at Axel’s arm, trying to pull him to his feet, but he just brushed her hand away and let it rest on Roxas’s face again. 

“Roxas…” 

Roxas’s head snapped up, glaring at Axel as if staring into his soul. He hissed, tugging against the arms that held him before he slumped down again. 

“Hello, _ Lea _ ,” the smile that spread across his face was twisted, warping his features to something near unrecognizable. “I’ve missed you _so_ much.” 

“Roxas,” Axel tightened his fingers on Roxas’s jaw. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t let them win.” The laughter that poured from Roxas sent him sprawling back onto the pavement. 

“Why do you even care?” 

“I want you back, Roxas.” 

“You never had me,” he spat. “You lost me the moment you decided that Isa was more important.” 

The group seemed to tense collectively, a silence falling over them, and he heard the loud whispers as they all started talking at once. 

_ Didn’t you tell him? _

_ I thought you were going to? _

_ Why didn’t you mention it?! _

_ Why didn’t you tell him, Lea? _

_ Why didn’t you?! _

“What the hell are you all talking about?” Roxas’s voice came out as a snarl as he yanked against the hold on his arms again. 

Their words came so fast it was hard to tell who said what. 

“They broke up.” 

“Like last week.” 

“I can’t believe no one told you.”

“I’m sorry, Roxas.” 

“Liars,” Roxas hissed. “All of you.” He stared Axel dead in the eyes. “Especially you.” 

“Roxas,” Axel’s hands were on his face again, and he could see black reflected against the green of Axel’s eyes. “I’m serious. We broke up. We’re done.” 

“You’re just saying this so I’ll stop.” He struggled again and the grip on his arms tightened to the point of pain. He didn't care, he'd wrench his arms out of the socket if it meant he could hurt Axel. “You’re so desperate that you’d say something like that. Like you know me. You’re just going to go running back to his arms with your little feel-good deed of the day under your belt.” Why wouldn’t Axel let go of his face? Why was Axel looking at him like  _ that _ ? He stamped hard on that little flutter of hope shining through his demons. He would just be kidding himself. Nothing would change. “Let me go.” 

“No, Roxas. Not until you understand.” 

“What’s there to understand? You chose Isa over me. I’m nothing but a kid to you. That’s all I’ve ever been!” Fury made it easy to snuff out that light, to ignore the soft flutter in his stomach. “That’s all I will ever be!” he nearly screamed at Axel, trying to kick a foot out. 

“Lea, be careful,” Kairi warned, looking worriedly between them. 

Axel ignored her, pressing his forehead to Roxas’s. “Roxas, you don’t get it. I’m not in love with Isa.” 

“Lea, no!” 

“I love you, Roxas.” 

Silence hovered thickly over the group. Riku and Sora held tight. Kairi twisted her hands together. 

Roxas blinked. He stared at what he could see of Axel, who had his eyes closed, fingers tight on Roxas’s jaw.

It was everything that Roxas had ever wanted, but…

No.

Not like this.

“Liar!” he cracked his forehead against Axel’s, sending him sprawling back. “How _ dare _ you lie like that?” 

“It’s not—” Axel started.

“How  _ dare _ you!” He ripped his arms free, lunging at Axel, pressing him back. He wrapped his hands around that pale throat. Tears flowed. His gut twisted around itself. Demons writhed as he hurt. “I have been in love with you for  _ ages. _ How dare you give me that hope when it’s just a lie.” 

Axel couldn’t speak, not with Roxas’s hands trying to crush his windpipe. The others fought with him, trying to yank him away. 

The minute they had him freed, Axel scrambled to his feet.  “Roxas,” he wheezed out, rubbing at his throat. 

“Don’t you _dare_ speak my name.” 

“Get away from him, Lea.” 

Roxas ripped away again, scrambling several feet away. He turned to the five of them and was greeted by five keyblades held at the ready. 

“Please, Roxas…” Xion was the first to speak, her voice shaking slightly. “You don’t have to do this.” 

“No, I don’t. You can do it for me.” He could already see the inky wisps floating around them. It was easy enough to throw his head back, fling his arms wide, and let his demons flow free. It was easier still to draw them from the group in front of him. 

He took a staggering step backward, watching keyblades in motion, trying to cleave through the darkness threatening to engulf them. 

And he laughed.

He laughed as he took a few more stumbling steps. 

He laughed as he fell to his knees, to his side. 

He laughed until the world went black. 

Once Roxas had slumped over, nearly half the demons dissipated, leaving the smaller, more wispy ones that the group dispatched with ease. They stood there afterward, looking at the form of Roxas laying on the ground. 

Axel was the first one to move, despite the warning shouts of the others. 

“Roxas, please!” He shook at Roxas’s shoulder, softly at first, then harder when he didn’t stir. “Please wake up!” 

Kairi knelt next to him, shoving him back and pressing fingers to Roxas’s pulse. Axel dug his fingers into his arms, trying to stop the shaking. 

“He’s still alive.” 

Axel sank down to the ground, pressing his forehead to the pavement, choking out a relieved laugh and wiping at the tears welling up in his eyes. 

“We need to take him somewhere safe before he wakes up,” Xion’s voice was soft as she reached out to touch Axel’s arm. 

Axel pushed up off the ground and bent to scoop Roxas into his arms, cradling him close. “There’s only one place I can think of… He’s not going to like it. But it's where he needs to go.” He shook his head and took off at a brisk walk. 


	7. Recover

It was a week before Roxas even first woke up. The sounds of beeping and whirring filled his ears. Blinding white light greeted him when he first tried to open his eyes. Even under the haze of medication, it felt like every inch of him hurt. A wave of exhaustion washed over him and he closed his eyes against the light. 

The next time he awoke, he found himself lying in what seemed to be a hospital bed. He was most definitely wearing a hospital gown. The beeping machinery must have given away the fact that he was awake because a few minutes later a man in a white coat came in, followed by a nurse who went and stood by his IV as the man consulted his clipboard before smiling up at him. 

He couldn’t help but notice how the room seemed divided in two by a low wall and a pane of glass, how the tubes of his IV slipped through a tiny opening to the other half. 

“Roxas, good to see you’re finally awake. I’m your doctor. How are you feeling?” 

“Ok, I guess? Everything hurts.” 

“As to be expected,” the man made a note on his clipboard. “Your friends told me you got a little overwhelmed by your demons?” 

They didn’t overwhelm him. They helped him. The only reason he’d passed out was because of his so-called ‘friends,’ the very ones that seemed to have brought him here. The hiss burst from Roxas before he could stop it. The nurse’s eyes went wide, but the doctor just made a note with another muttered ‘as to be expected.’ 

“When can I leave?” 

The doctor looked over at the nurse, giving her a small nod and a ‘go ahead,’ before turning back. “I’m afraid you’re going to be here for a while, Roxas. We’ve got the medication to keep the demons manageable while you go through therapy.”

“I don’t fucking need therapy,” he growled. He went to rip the IV from his arm but found them strapped down. He couldn’t move them more than an inch, and even if he could have, it was starting to feel like he was moving underwater. “Let me go,” the words came out garbled, his tongue thick. “I want to go home.” He couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer and slumped back against the bed as the world faded out. 

Once he had healed enough, they moved him into what they called his room. He called it his cell. It had a bed, table and chair, a small couch, and a bathroom with the faintest hint of privacy. 

They told him he could have a more private room once he started responding to treatment. Once they were sure he wasn’t going to cause harm to himself. 

He was given what looked like scrubs to wear. There were no zippers, no buttons. He had a pair of slippers with no laces. Did they think he was going to harm himself? That was the last thing on his mind. The only things he wanted to hurt were on the other side of the glass room. 

Therapy turned out to be a joke. There were the whispers in his ears, saying that everything was just a waste of time. It surprised him when a few weeks into his therapy they gave him books to read. Missing covers and sharp corners, but still something else to do. So, he laid around on his couch, nose buried in them, hiding his anger as he listened to the guy on the other side of the glass drone on and on about the importance of sharing his feelings, about not bottling them up until he almost destroyed himself again. That next time he might not be so lucky. He told Roxas over and over and over that it was ok to feel. 

It was a laugh. Why would he want to  _ feel _ ? He reached a hand up to crush the wisp hovering around his head. Ever since they’d cut back his medication, they’d come back. 

He didn’t want to feel, but there’d been a shift after the fight with his so-called friends. Something in that moment had taken away his ability to be numb. And back came the anger, the lingering hurt that they'd stuck him away. They were probably out celebrating that poor little Roxas wasn’t their problem anymore. 

Days blurred together, the therapist droned on. Roxas continued to ignore him until his name, spoken several times in a row, caught his attention. “Huh?”

“This clearly isn’t working.” 

Roxas reached up to stroke the wisp around his head with a smirk. “Does that mean I can go home now?” 

“That means we’re going to try a different approach.” 

“Boring.” 

“Try it at least once, Roxas. I know that you want to leave. Keep that in mind.” 

He got up and left, leaving Roxas staring at the door. The knob turned and in walked Xion, looking afraid almost. She took in the room she was in at first, slowly turning towards the large glass pane. 

“Don’t worry.” He rolled his eyes when she jumped. “They say it can take anything I can throw at it. My demons can’t get to you either. Some kind of magic or some bullshit.” 

Xion seemed surprised to see him talking. But, it was nothing special. He was just bored and wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t a shrink. 

“Are you ok?” 

There was that question again. 

“You guys stuck me in a psych ward. What do you think?” It came out sarcastic and annoyed. He cleared his throat and tried again, going for contrite. “Sorry, just going through a lot. I want to go home.” It fell flat. It sounded fake.

Home. Whatever that was at this point. The small town, his apartment in Twilight Town, somewhere, anywhere other than the box he was in. 

He watched her for a moment, as she went and sat on the very edge of a chair, muscles tensed like she was ready to run at any second. He hated the way she couldn’t look at him, her gaze going to that point over his shoulder when she’d glance up. There wasn’t a mirror in his bathroom nook, but he’d caught his reflection in the glass, seen the hazy black eyes staring back at him from underneath the long fringe of his flat hair. Even he didn’t recognize the person looking back at him. 

“How… are you feeling?” 

He sighed. Now  _ that  _ was a loaded question. ‘Too much’ was probably not the right thing to say. 

“Been better, been worse.” 

“I’m glad you’re getting help now.” 

“That makes one of us.” He wondered if it were possible to roll his eyes from his head. He pulled the demons from within, draping himself in a blanket of inky black. “This is so stupid.” 

“We just want to help you, Roxas.” 

“You can help by leaving me the hell alone,” he huffed, turning from the window. 

They kept coming in one by one over the next few days, all of them trying and usually failing to keep Roxas engaged in conversation. More often than not, he’d wind up on the opposite side of the room, wrapped in his demons, ignoring everything they’d say. 

Axel was the last to come in. He crossed the small room in full confidence, walking right up to the window and staring in. Roxas was draped across the couch, engrossed in a book. Axel cleared his throat and put on his best smile. 

“Hey, Rox. Whatcha reading?” 

Roxas’s eyes came up slowly, falling on Axel. They widened for a moment. 

He lunged across the room with inhuman speed, leaping into the air and crashing against the glass with a rattling thud. He slid back to the floor, claws dragging, and Axel could hear the screech from his side. 

“You,” Roxas spat the word, fist slamming into the glass. “You filthy liar.” A spiderweb of cracks spread out from where his fist had struck, his knuckles turned bloody. “How dare you show up?” 

“Roxas, I…” Axel staggered back, holding up hands in surrender. Roxas’s black eyes held his gaze. 

“Shut up,” Roxas snapped. He drew his lips back from his teeth in a vicious snarl. Black swirled around him, wrapping down and around his arms, pressing against the glass as if it were trying to get to Axel. “How dare you show your filthy face? You are nothing but a fucking liar, who used my feelings against me. You’re the reason I’m here.” 

“I never lied to you, Roxas!” Axel lunged forward, pressing his hands to the glass. “I would never do something like that to you.” 

Roxas seemed beyond words, slamming a fist into the glass where one of Axel’s palms lay, sending out another web of cracks. Axel yanked his hands back, staring into unrecognizable black eyes, at an unrecognizable face

“Fuck you, Lea.” Roxas hissed out. 

The door behind Axel burst open, and they yanked him from the room. Before the door was closed, he could do nothing but watch as creatures formed around Roxas. 

A few days later, Axel tried to visit again. 

“What do you mean I can’t go in? I  _ have _ to talk to him. I  _ have _ to get through to him,” he flung his arms wide, nearly clipping the nurse. “You can’t  _ do  _ this!” 

“We can and we will. Our first concern is Roxas’s health. Seeing you clearly distressed him.” 

Xion reached over and patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry, Lea. I’ll make sure he still knows how much you care. It’s the best we can do for now.” 

Axel half formed a dozen sentences before sinking down into a chair in defeat. He stared up at the ceiling, fighting the tears that threatened to spill over. “I guess that’s all I can ask.” 

  
  


It was a painful process. Over the first month, Roxas was barely responsive. He’d rarely look at them, hardly ever speak as he sat facing away, wrapped in a cloak of demons. 

The first time Xion had mentioned Lea, Roxas made it across the room faster than she could blink, hammering his fist against the glass, screaming. She could hardly understand him, catching words like  _ love, Lea,  _ and  _ liar. _

Roxas responded one of two ways every time that anyone mentioned Lea’s name. He would either lash out violently or retreat to his bed, throwing the covers over his head to ignore everything that they said afterward.

At the end of one visit on a whim, Xion said, ‘Axel loves you,’ instead. She paused at the door when the lump of blankets moved, when Roxas sat up and turned to look at her.

“Axel?” 

“Yes,” she took a step back into the room. “He loves you. Wants you to get better.” She swore she saw the faintest trace of blue in black eyes before he glowered, yanking his gaze away. The black over his shoulder writhed as if it were in pain. “Axel misses you, Roxas.” 

“As if. You should go.” He waved a dismissive hand and laid back down. 

They kept coming back and talking to him, mostly sharing mundane things that were happening out in the real world, or their well wishes for his recovery. He started responding, slowly but surely. Sometimes he would sit on the bed, wrapped in blankets and demons as he listened, making occasional eye contact. 

There were a few days where he’d almost smile, the shadows over his shoulder writhing. 

Then, slowly, he would come over and sit on the couch, reading a book while he listened, always looking over now and then. He would push his bangs back from his eyes and cock his head blinking at whoever sat on the other side of the glass.

At the two-month mark, they were all informed that he’d started talking to the therapist. They couldn’t say about what but did mention that it was helping his recovery greatly. They all noticed how his surrounding shadows were fading and shrinking. His face became more expressive, and he even started throwing out the occasional comment. His eyes were the last to change, slowly fading, becoming more of a deep blue. 

Xion always told him that Axel loved him. And every time, blue eyes would warm for a second before he’d turn away, huffing ‘as if.’ She would insist, before adding that they all loved him. 

At the three-month mark, he was sitting on the couch, smiling and nodding as he listened along. He’d typically only talk if someone asked him a direct question. Whenever anyone asked how he was feeling, his response was a soft smile and a quietly spoken ‘better.’ 

But Xion could tell he’d started struggling a bit whenever she mentioned her usual “We love you. Axel loves you.” His face would fall, and he’d stare at his feet. He would squeeze his eyes shut and turn away, fists clenched by his sides.

Then, she started hearing the whispers.

“As if.” 

“Coward.” 

“That asshole.” 

“Passing messages like a child.” 

Slowly they were changing.

“But I can’t remember the last time I saw him.”

“Yet he’s not here.” 

“Why can’t he just come say it himself?” 


	8. Lead With Your Heart

“Hey, Xion. Long time no see.” 

“Roxas?” She scanned the room, eyes going to the couch and bed before falling to where he sat on the floor, leaning back against the wall. She watched as his fingers brushed through the wisp drifting around his head. It reformed and he did it again. 

“So, what news do you have for me today?” 

“You’re asking?” 

“Well yeah? I’m not a complete asshole.” 

She gawked at him for a long moment, unable to do more than blink before the first chuckle slipped out. And when Roxas grinned up at her with blue eyes, she couldn’t keep the laughter in. 

“Well, today Kairi…” 

They talked for what felt like hours. Xion just said whatever came to mind about their friends and what had been going on with their lives. Roxas had tipped his head back against the wall, talking with his eyes closed about how therapy was going. She couldn’t help but notice the smile that played across his face.

“I hate to be the one to do this, but I’ve got to be going.” Xion pushed up, keeping a nervous eye on Roxas. 

“It’s been… nice to talk to you, Xion. Don’t be a stranger.” 

“I was just here yesterday,” she laughed.

“Just saying,” Roxas smiled over. “Stay out of trouble.” 

“I will,” she paused, hand on the doorknob. “And Roxas, remember we love you.” 

“Yeah yeah,” he teased. “I get it.” He couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “You love me. Kairi loves me. Sora and Riku love me, but ‘not as much as each other.’ I get it.” 

“Axel loves you as well.” 

One of his arms wrapped around his knees, crushing them to his chest as his heart gave a squeeze, a dull ache thrummed through him as a wisp drifted up. He reached a hand up, letting it twine around his fingers. 

“Did he tell you to say that?” 

“He wanted me to pass along the message.” 

Roxas caught the wisp against his palm, fingers wrapping around it. “And I’m supposed to believe it?” 

“Yes. Roxas, you should see how much he means it.” 

The wisp in his fist grew thick and dark, writhing against his grip. “How can I when he can’t be bothered to show up? I’m supposed to just take everyone else’s word for it?” He glared at the shadow, holding it tighter and tighter. “Why can’t he just come to say it himself.” His fingers went through the wisp, dissolving it into curling smoke. He watched it fade before slumping back against the wall. 

His words barely reached Xion when he whispered, “I thought he cared.” 

Xion met up with the group for dinner to share updates on Roxas. She barely got Roxas’s parting words out. 

“He said what!?” Axel shot to his feet, setting the china on the table rattling. “I’ve got to get over there.” 

“It’s after seven. Visiting hours are over.” Kairi had her face buried in her hands as she’d spoken, but the rest of the table stared up at him. 

“But—” 

“Tomorrow. I’ll take you with me tomorrow. Please sit down. You’re causing a scene,” Xion rolled her eyes. She wanted to be upset, but just watching how Axel reacted made her grin. 

“But…” Axel leaned away from the table like he was ready to bolt at any second. 

“Sit,” Xion waved at his chair. “We can go first thing. It’s not going to kill you to wait a few hours.” 

Axel sank back into his chair, letting his head drop. His fingers clutched his hair as he stared down at his food, which remained untouched for the rest of the dinner. To the others, from the way he kept having to bring up a hand to brush away a wisp, it looked as if it _would_ kill him.

* * *

“Axel, would you chill? It’s going to be fine,” Xion sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that morning. 

The entire walk to the hospital he’d been lagging, twisting his hands together and talking almost nonstop.

“I don’t know about this…” 

“What the heck, Axel? You were so excited last night. Ready to march down and storm in. It’s going to be fine.” 

“But what if he’s mad at me? What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he still hates me?” 

“Axel,” she pulled them to a stop, yanking him down by the front of the shirt to eye level. “Calm down. He  _ wants  _ to talk to you.” 

“Are you sure?” 

She sighed, shoving him back up. “I swear if Roxas doesn’t kill you. I’ll do it myself.” 

* * *

“No. I don’t think so,” the doctor shook his head.

“You  _ have _ to let me!” Axel's hands twisted through his hair as he paced.

“We don’t have to let you do anything. It’s a bad idea. We don’t want to undo all of his hard work.” 

“And I’m telling you, he wants to see me!” 

Xion tried to catch his arm every time he marched past, trying to get him to calm down. He didn’t want to calm down. He wanted to see Roxas.

“And I’m telling you no.” 

“It’s ok I’ll keep talking to him,” Xion touched his arm as he stalked by again. “I’ll be sure he knows—”

“No, I’m telling him myself.” 

“I thought I said—” the doctor’s words stumbled to a stop with a look from Axel, from the keyblade that appeared in his hand.

“And I’m saying yes.” He turned and ran out the door, down the hall to Roxas’s room. His long legs easily let him outpace the doctor and Xion.

He burst through the door, slamming it shut and leaning heavily against it, bending down to suck in a few shaky breaths. 

“Lea?” 

He looked up, watching Roxas as he pushed up from the couch, setting his book aside.

“What are you doing here?” Roxas pushed his bangs back, raising one curious eyebrow.

The door thundered behind Axel, rattling, and knocking into his back. “I just…” he stretched out and hooked the nearby chair with his foot. “... wanted to see you.” He turned, half wrestling with the door, half shoving the chair up under the handle until he was satisfied that no one could get in. He turned back, finding Roxas standing by the window, watching with an amused smile.

“Why do you have your keyblade?” Roxas turned an ear towards the glass. “And what’s up with the racket?” He gestured over to the jigging handle. 

“Nothing to worry yourself with,” Axel held his keyblade up, looking at it for a long moment before letting it vanish. He held his breath for a moment before the words started pouring out.” I’m so sorry, Roxas. I’ve been dying to see you, to tell you myself that I’m still here for you.” 

“That’s what everyone’s been trying to say, but I thought they were lying. Trying to make me feel better. Trying to get me to recover faster.” Roxas’s eyes squeezed shut, and he clenched his fists by his sides. “Why didn’t you come to see me until now?” The hurt in Roxas’s voice made Axel’s chest ache.

“Rox, believe me. I wanted to… so badly.” 

“What stopped you? Isa?” 

Axel gestured a hand over his shoulder to the chair under the door. “The doctors. They’ve told me no since the first day I tried to visit.” 

“Why would they do that?” 

Axel walked closer to the glass, watching as Roxas mirrored his movements. “You may have tried to attack me last time you saw me. Cracked the glass and everything.” 

Roxas stared at his feet, shuffling one back and forth. “I did?” Bright blue eyes looked up, full of confusion, anxiety. “I… don’t remember much about those days.” 

“You don’t?” Axel leaned in, pressing one palm to the glass, as close to Roxas’s heart as he could get. “That’s ok. You didn’t miss much.” 

Roxas flinched a little, taking a half step back. “That’s what I’ve heard. Guess it was pretty bad to wind up in here. It’s been nice having people to talk to, though.” He wasn’t looking at Axel anymore, staring instead at some point a little to the right of Axel’s arm. “It has helped.” 

“I just wish I could have been here. That I could have been the one helping you. I came in with Xion today just to see you and the doctor said I couldn’t.”

“How are you here then?” Roxas’s eyes went to the hand on the glass and he took a slow step forward. 

“Remember the keyblade?” 

“You never think things through. What did you  _ do? _ ” Roxas didn’t seem mad though. No, he was still smiling, chuckling almost. 

“I  _ might _ have had to take matters into my own hands.” 

“You threatened a doctor?” 

“And maybe a couple of nurses along the way. I might have barreled over an orderly.” 

Roxas gawked at him before a wide grin spread across his face. “You’ve always been run by your emotions.” He doubled over in laughter, hands clutching his sides. 

Axel let his head drop to the glass, eyes squeezing shut as he fought back the tears that welled up at the sound of Roxas’s laughter. His genuine laughter. 

“Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t show up sooner. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…” 

“Axel,” a soft voice drifted through his repeat of sorry. 

His eyes came up and fell upon blue, standing right up next to the glass. 

“Did…” Roxas bit on his lip, staring at the divider between them. “Did you and Isa really break up?” 

“Yeah, we did.” 

Roxas’s shoulders slumped over, relief open on his face before he looked back up. “Why?” 

“Rox…” he took a couple of deep breaths, pressing harder against the glass as if he could make it disappear. He squeezed his eyes shut. “Because he wasn’t you. We only started dating because you were gone. I’d been such a coward. Too afraid to tell you how I felt, how much I wanted to be with you. And then you were just gone. I didn’t know when or _if_ you were coming back.” His heart was hammering so hard it hurt and he pressed a fist to it. “I was hurt. I was stupid and just wanted to get over you. We broke up because I couldn’t. Isa knew I was just using him. I care about him... but he wasn't _you_. I was such a jerk.” He looked up, falling into blue, blue eyes. “It’s you, Roxas. It’s always been you. I’ve loved you for so long and watching you suffer has been killing me.” 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I was afraid. I didn’t want to shove all of my silly emotions onto you, not when I could see you were already struggling so much. I didn’t want to add the stress of my feelings if you didn’t feel the same. ” 

Roxas watched as Axel’s face screwed up in pain, as his hand on the glass clenched into a fist. His entire body shook as words poured from him. Roxas could see the wisps, just two or three tiny ones swirling around. But then his eyes fell on the faintest hint of inky black, just over Axel’s shoulder, in the same place the others used to stare with him. He lunged forward without thinking, palms slapping against the glass. 

Axel jerked back, stumbling, eyes searching Roxas’s face, his eyes. 

Blue eyes stared wide as Roxas whispered, “Don’t let them get you too.” 

Guilt over causing Axel so much pain nearly sent him to his knees, yet joy swelled his heart hearing Axel’s feelings, his declarations of love. He pressed his hands to the glass as his legs, his body shook. He couldn’t believe it. Axel felt the same way he did. 

Axel stepped back forward, pressing his hands to the glass and mirroring Roxas’s. “I won’t. I swear. Not as long as I get to be with you.” 

“And if the doctors try to stop you?”

“Roxas. I would fight a hundred doctors to get to you if I had to.”

Roxas started laughing so hard he doubled over again, before falling to sit on the floor, clutching his sides. He looked up at tear-filled green eyes and a smile that was all for him. “You’re so stupid and cliche.” 

Axel pressed his forehead to the glass. “Only for you.”

“I would hug you,” Roxas came back over, pressing his hands to Axel’s again. “But the glass is kind of in the way.” 

“Maybe I can fix that,” Axel flashed him an overdramatic wink before turning. 

He moved the chair and a handful of people flooded in, some immediately going to Axel, checking him over for any injuries, others going and observing Roxas through the window. 

“I’m fine. He’s fine. We’re both fine, ok?” Axel grumbled, swatting at hands. “I want to hug him.” 

“You want to what?!” 

“Hug him? What part of that was hard to understand?” 

“It’s too dangerous.” 

His keyblade flashed into his hand. “Too what now?” 

From the corner, Xion giggled. Roxas dropped onto the couch with an eye roll as the doctors watched him, studying him as if waiting for him to snap again. He just smiled and waved a little. 

“I’ll behave myself, I swear. I just want to hug him.” 

He laughed when they came in first, one standing nearby with what was probably a tranquilizer, but he just sat there letting them poke and prod. They looked into his eyes and stared curiously over his shoulder.

Axel stood close to the window, surrounded by observers, flashing him grins every time their eyes would meet, making Roxas laugh the one time he’d flashed a double thumbs up. The doctors had gone scattering back, looking for a moment as if he’d made a foreign sound before slowly moving back in. 

They finally left him alone, going back out and talking low among themselves before turning to Axel. 

“You can go in  _ if  _ you carry your keyblade.” 

Axel grinned over, looking like he’d won the lottery. 

Roxas rose from the couch and froze, unable to take a step forward as Axel walked through the door. Their eyes met and Axel froze. The doctors seem to hold their collective breath on the other side of the glass, but the two didn’t notice. They were smiling at each other now. No one was sure who moved first, but the keyblade fell to the floor and vanished, and then they were hugging, clinging to each other and sobbing. Xion was bawling, clutching the arm of some poor confused doctor. 

Axel’s hand tangled in Roxas’s hair. His arm wrapped around Roxas’s waist, clutching him close “I love you,” his voice was faint, full of raw emotion. “I love you. I love you.” 

Roxas clung to Axel’s waist, pressing his face into the warm fabric of Axel’s shirt. Axel’s lips were in his hair now, pressing kisses and whispering, ‘I love you,’ over and over. 

“I love you, too,” he barely got the words out before dissolving into tears. 

* * *

Roxas stood just inside the doorway of a small apartment. The last box had been brought up. Pizza sat on the counter, waiting to be eaten. 

The longer he stood there, the louder his heart sounded. 

Axel was down at the general store, picking up a few things from Eliza and saying hello. But what if he didn’t come back? What if he realized he didn’t want to move all the way out to a small town? That he didn’t want to be with Roxas?

Maybe this was all a mistake. 

A thousand what-ifs drifted through his mind. A pale wisp drifted up to hover just in front of his face. 

But then a warm arm settled around his waist. A hand came over his shoulder, dispelling the wisp with ease. 

“What are you waiting for, sweetheart?” Axel’s soft voice rumbled in his ear. 

Lips pressed to his cheek, and he spun, moving back into waiting arms and pressing his lips to Axel’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took ten years to get up. Life has a funny way of getting in the way sometimes. 
> 
> It came out a little cheesy, but sometimes that's just what we need.


End file.
